Janus Professor, My Travels in a Two-Body Life

Holiday Survival for This Untenured TT Faculty Lady

2011-11-13T20:20:00.003-05:00

Wow, this month is going to be a s**t-storm. I'm presently at a conference and these two hours of relative silence in my hotel room have given me a lot of future-thinking to do. Usually, I've got distractions at work (undergrads, grads, committee meetings, speakers, etc) and home (whining: why can't I have juice, chores, hygiene:ugh, cooking) and there is no time to just…silently…think. I don't even have time to think about who I am! Why, I'm me of course, but what does that mean?

Well, I still don't have enough time to contemplate my purpose or my existence, but I've got enough time right this moment to think about how the next few weeks are going to be crazy. On top of the usual teaching load and research duties, I've got Thanksgiving at my house. Somewhere in there is the DoE Early Career deadline… And I haven't started. The DARPA Young Faculty Award is going to pop up soon, and I question if I should also be trying for the ONR Young Investigator. 2 proposals to review, 3 papers to review. One manuscript of my own to edit and submit. How can I possibly do all of this and still teach and maintain my lab? Well, somehow I do - I always do. That proposal always gets in on time, the paper gets written, the students get taught. I shouldn't worry about it, and just accept that I get stuff done even if it means some tough weeks ahead.

I've hired a mother's helper to come in one weekday night so that my husband and I can get caught up on work. I'm suspending weekly meetings with my individual group members until early December. I'm working extra time as soon as my son is asleep. I know that it'll end right around Christmas. I've just got to hang on…

I think that I'll just take all the help I can get. Let the maid clean my house. Hire babysitters. Cook frozen casseroles from the store. It's only temporary insanity. Fortunately, my family understands this craziness because my sister and husband are also professors. My son understands; we've taught him to chant "NSF give me money!" Too cute.

Oh yeah, that's what pregnancy is about

2011-11-10T10:22:00.003-05:00

My friend had a baby yesterday and I am so happy for her. This morning, I was remembering my first son's birth and the precious moments afterward. Holding him, marveling at him, feeling so proud. Then I realized: oh wait - I'm pregnant now - I get to have that moment again! It took me seven months of pregnancy, but I'm finally feeling maternal again.

Nesting = Paper and Proposal Writing

2011-11-04T17:39:00.002-04:00

I'm now in the third trimester and my "nesting" instinct is kicking in. I'm frantically writing and submitting papers, trying to clear off my desk. I've got a few proposals to get in before the baby comes in January. I've disappeared because I'm just so busy!

I had the nicest experience today, where my undergraduate research adviser was visiting my university to give a seminar. He is a super-famous guy, who has won every award possible. Since it had been about 10 years since I was in his lab, I was nervous that he wouldn't remember me. I was wrong! He greeted me with a big hug in front of the whole room and started off his seminar with remarking on how proud he was of me! I just about started crying.

When I was an undergraduate, I was a researcher in his group on and off for three years. I attended a few group meetings, and meet with him once per semester. I was completely intimidated by him because he was the most brilliant person I had known at that time. I was afraid I might say something wrong, but when I did, he was nice about it. One semester was particularly rough for me because of personal reasons, and I had to drop out of research six weeks into the semester. When I told him I was dropping research he said that it was no problem and that I could come back anytime I wanted. I came back the next semester, and there were no hard feelings.

These moments keep me going, and lift me up from my sink hole of papers, class notes, and rejected proposals :)

Harassment III

2011-10-10T17:37:00.003-04:00

My crazy office neighbor is at it again. I'm meeting with students who want to join my lab all day (yay!!!), so I want to meet with them in my office - not a conference room. I'm losing my voice (from not drinking water all day) so I'm practically whispering during all these meetings. It's still too loud for my office neighbor. That leads me to believe that maybe the students are loud, and it's not me… But that is neither here nor there. He tries to shut my door during one of these meetings. But university training taught me that we can't have our door closed when meeting with students. I explained to him that I have to have my door slightly open to be in compliance with policy. (This discussion was in front of the prospective student, so that was awkward). The office neighbor went back to his office and started blasting classical music. I suppose this action was meant to anger me, but it made me afraid. I feel as if I am unable to speak in my own office without retaliation. Fortunately, he didn't email my boss like he did before.

The office neighbor is leaving this winter break, so I just have a couple more months of this… Some other lucky university is getting him :)

Canceled and Declined Talks

2011-09-29T16:51:00.003-04:00

I was supposed to give an invited talk at a top 10 school this week, but I came down with a vicious stomach bug. I had to cancel because I couldn't even make it to the airport. I feel huge guilt for missing this fantastic opportunity. I wrote that I was sick and needed to reschedule for late Spring. I hope that they'll take me up on it! On the positive side, I got loads of sleep, discovered the miracles of antinausea meds, watched lots of Netflix, and got three weeks of class lectures done.

And I've been invited for a talk this spring, but it's too close to the baby's due date. This is the second one I've had to decline, and I also feel immense guilt over it. With my first child, I mistakenly accepted these kinds of opportunities and found myself at three conferences within the baby's first few weeks and months. Compounded with post-baby RA, it was a total disaster. So I'm not going to make the same mistake again, but I can't help regret a missed opportunity. Of course, it's only a few months and I've got the rest of time to give talks at conferences. Instead, I want to focus my energy during that time on the baby, on keeping the lab running, and on resting.

Recruiting While Pregnant

2011-09-23T17:44:00.002-04:00

I have an opening in my group for one student. The project funding has already started, so it's very important to recruit someone now. However, no one seems to be the least interested in joining my group. Last year, I had students piling in droves just to talk to me. So what is different about this year from last year? Could it be that I am pregnant?

My other pregnant colleague has the same problem: no one is interested. Another colleague who was pregnant last year also had the same issue. Anecdotally, it seems, students don't want to join a group with a pregnant PI.

This makes me very angry because I see no difference in my capabilities of running a group now vs. then. It isn't like I'm dying of some incurable disease. This is blatant bias that holds (pregnant) women back from having a successful career.

High-Risk Mama

2011-09-08T20:32:00.002-04:00

Early in my pregnancy I was tested for a protein associated with the autoimmune disease called Sjogren's syndrome. Not surprisingly, I was positive. Before conceiving, my doctor had explained the risks. The baby stands a 2-5% chance of having a congenital heart block, where the circuitry in the heart isn't connected right. The baby could be fine, could require a pacemaker, or even not survive. For the past few weeks my husband and I have been traveling 180 miles round trip weekly for a specialized ultrasound that detects the early stages of the block. The baby is perfectly healthy, but the trips are wearing because they eat up an entire day. To not go, puts the baby at greater risk.

Before conceiving, I did not think much of the risks. But after learning of the extent of monitoring I needed and after becoming pregnant, my attitude changed. The chance is very small, but the reality is there - if not for me, for someone else. I take joy in feeling my baby move because I know that he is well. (Yes it's a boy!)

New Semester, Old Problems

2011-09-05T13:26:00.002-04:00

At the beginning of this semester, I have been solidly booked with meetings. I'm so swamped that I barely have time to think about my upcoming proposal deadline - eek! So I'm especially frustrated when students from last semester come back to haunt me with complaints about their grades. I'm too busy!!

Some student filed a grade dispute form, so I had to fill out loads of paperwork to document why she deserved the grade she got. I have to provide email threads, class rankings, syllabi, previous assignments, etc. It's especially tiresome when the student in question has been caught cheating before…

Another student barges into my office unannounced and says, "I want to know why I got a C." No introduction, no how was your summer, nothing. He didn't even tell me his name! I was also in the middle of eating lunch. And so it goes on with others.

The grade thing is frustrating, especially since I graded according to exactly how the syllabus describes.

So… after a few days of this, I realize that I have to go back to my old ways: shutting my office door, working at home, essentially hiding. Don't get me wrong, I generally love interacting with most students. I've got all the time in the world for someone with scientific curiosity and maturity reflecting their age. Aaaa - who's got some good student stories?

Rehashing Old Grants

2011-08-25T11:31:00.002-04:00

I have a proposal deadline coming up and I'm preparing to resubmit a proposal that was given very good reviews last round (but not funded). Every time I revisit a rejected proposal, I feel extreme dread and loathing towards the document - even when it got shining reviews! Why is that? I get rejected all the time. You'd think I'd get a thicker skin.

So here I am… at my computer… with three weeks to go… procrastinating.

Harassment II

2011-08-22T14:42:00.002-04:00

I've spoken with my head and an Ass. Dean, so I've got some course of (in)action to take. Because the harasser-in-question is leaving soon at some unknown date, it may be better to do nothing than to do something. This is the type of person who retaliates and retaliates big, so it is probably best to not respond to his emails. The only thing to do is to cooperate and be quieter. I'm very happy to attempt being quieter since it's only a temporary situation. I might even have my office hours in a conference room rather than an office to minimize problems. I'm mad as hell about the harassment but I want to be as cooperative as possible. If he continues to harass me, then I can at least point to my attempted cooperation.

Still, when I see him in the hall, he gives me withering looks. Today, I even ducked into a restroom to avoid interacting with him! I feel like I'm five years old again.

Strangely… he was really loud today in his office.

Harassment

2011-08-17T15:33:00.003-04:00

I periodically get harassing emails from the famous, senior faculty member whose office is next to mine. These emails usually complain about how I am too loud, etc. I always ignore them.

The latest email, however, crossed the line. He wrote that I was too loud (again), and why didn't I respond to his previous emails. He then wrote that junior faculty should always respond to senior faculty. But here's the real problem: he CCed my department head.

This guy has a history of problems, and everyone here dislikes (some even hate) him. Lawsuits and grievances follow this guy everywhere, so I've been careful to limit communication with him. He's even leaving this position in a few months for a new place, so this harassment should be only temporary, unless he sues me or files a grievance.

What can I do? What have I done? I wrote my department head that I need to meet with him as soon as possible because these harassing emails have got to stop. I also wrote an Associate Dean who's been on women faculty's side. I'll have a meeting or two in the next couple of days and see where it goes.

Crossing my personal boundaries

2011-08-16T08:52:00.002-04:00

I found a post-doc even better than the one I was replacing. They were visiting here to look for housing, so I took them out to lunch. At the conclusion of lunch I was waiting for a to-go box. The post-doc asked, "Can I have your meatball?" Shocked, I replied, "No."

My friend later said, "That was a meat-ballsy move."

Pregnancy and RA Remission

2011-08-10T22:30:00.003-04:00

With my first child, I went into blissful remission of my RA symptoms. With this second child, I am nowhere close. Why is there such a difference, and why does remission occur for RA during pregnancy? I get these questions a lot from my friends. One article from the Arthritis Foundation (a reputable source) says that the degree of remission is linked to the quantity of fetal DNA circulating in the mother's system. If this is true, then I would guess that this second baby just isn't circulating it's fetal DNA the way the first one did. That doesn't imply there's something wrong with the baby, just that our interactions are different from the first.

The other statistic that I see from multiple places, as well as from that article, is that 90 % of mothers have a flare within three months of delivery. Considering I'm still flaring, I'll probably be raging come this Spring. I'm not looking forward to that. I won't be teaching, but I'm supposed to be doing some other kind of activity to "make up" for the teaching relief. What kind of activity can a person do, if they can't even dress them selves or if they can barely type? Of course, this sounds really negative. And with the right drugs, I should be in much better shape than last time. I just struggle to imagine what this Spring will be like. I kind of just want to get a motorized scooter and putt a big red flag on it and do donuts in my department's main office.

Change is Inevitable

2011-08-04T14:46:00.002-04:00

We have a new department head, and change has stirred everyone into a whirl of emotion. It's inevitable that leadership changes and that I'll have many different bosses in my lifetime - some good and some bad. When leadership changes, people become uncomfortable at the uncertainty of the direction of the organization or their place within. My current thought is to be a good citizen to the department, to fulfill my teaching and duties, and to carry on as before. With time, I can observe and form my independent opinion.

I'm a little frustrated that people air out old dirty laundry in this time of change, when we should all be focused on the future. Even worse - some have a knee-jerk reaction to quit service activities or to start looking for a new job. I don't believe that it's an appropriate choice in 100% of cases. In some places, leadership changes every year. One can't mentally survive if they over-react to every change.

Besides, I am more interested in growing babies than I am in drama.

Lost Another Post-Doc to a Husband

2011-07-27T13:21:00.002-04:00

For the second time this year, I have lost a female post-doc because their husband refused to let them work. In both instances, the women were internationals and their husbands were unemployed. Both women were visibly upset by the situation, wanting to work in the group- but unable to. Without this job, they must go back to their native country and search from abroad.

I don't meddle in personal affairs, so I wish them luck and tell them they can always come back. Now, I have an open post-doc position for a funded project and I've got to hire someone ASAP.

Comments are welcome.

I don't want to be on your thesis committee if...

2011-07-25T17:28:00.002-04:00

I am a very popular choice for thesis committees inside and outside of the department. Unfortunately, I can't be on every committee so I've started interviewing the students to select which committees I do want to be on. Here are some of the questions I ask:

1. Why do you want *me* to be on your committee? (Majority of students are unable to answer this, so maybe I don't need to be on their committee)

2. What are your grades like? (If you have any C's, I won't serve on the committee).

3. What is your project? (If you are unable to answer this, I won't serve on the committee).

4. Why did you pick this project? (This is an opportunity to tell me more about your likes/dislikes, perhaps a dynamic with your advisor, or to get me interested in your project.)

5. What do you expect my contribution to be to your thesis committee? (Somewhat related to #1, but more about what is the time commitment involved).

I usually turn away about 1/3 but I'll have to refuse more soon because I have too many obligations with the pregnancy and all. I like serving on thesis committees, but I just wish I had more time to do so.

A Special Episode of JP's Group Meeting

2011-07-18T16:50:00.002-04:00

I told my research group that I was pregnant today! It went over much better than I expected. We discussed how long I expected to work before my due date (A: as long as possible!), how long it would take to recuperate (A: for me, 3 months optimistically), and if I would come in during that time (A: of course I would). The group was happy for me. If they have questions about how it affects them as individuals, then they're invited to ask me privately.

My joint pain has been accumulating, but I am far enough along that I might be able to start taking corticosteroids to reduce the inflammation. I'm looking forward to that!

I visited Dr. Mom last week. She's still in chemotherapy for breast cancer, but she's doing much better than earlier treatments. (You are, Dr. Mom!!). Amazingly, her hair is coming back already like a little short phoenix. It was great to focus energy on someone else and to get a break from the daily drudgery here. She is still putting out papers and here I am twiddling my thumbs! She makes me feel like a lazy-bones, so I guess I'll work on one of those papers sitting in my inbox.

I am My Best Judge

2011-07-08T13:48:00.003-04:00

I am on an award committee, where speakers are nominated to be judged for a cash prize. I wrote to the session chairs, asking them to nominate speakers in their session for judging and to recommend appropriate judges. One session chair nominated himself (he was speaking in his own session) and recommended himself as an appropriate judge. AWESOME. So is that how I get more awards?

Creaky Elbow Got Me Down

2011-07-05T12:47:00.002-04:00

I guess I spoke too soon, or posting about how great I felt cursed me. For the last week+, the RA has been creeping back.

I'm so frustrated because it isn't supposed to be like that when you're pregnant! Medications options are limited for the next 6 months. I couldn't take Medrol because of the baby, so my rheumatologist gave me a steroid injection in the elbow. It didn't work, and I've still got a bum limb. It's so defeating to know that this is probably going to persist and even get worse. My action plan is to go back to the meditation CDs, see the OBGYN next week, and see the rheumatologist the following week. My fantasy action plan is to saw off my arm.

On the bright side, this has taken my mind off of our current department head search situation. No chair can kiss my booboo and make it go away, so I'm presently not concerned with outcome.

What Kind Of Mom I Thought I Would Be

2011-06-29T13:21:00.002-04:00

Before I had Sparky, I had a particular vision of what kind of mom I would be. Then, the shit hit the fan. Things turned out perfectly fine, and Sparky is awesome. It's just not what I imagined.

I had read all these touchy feely books about the attachment parenting-breast-feeding-sling-wearing-motherhood that I couldn't wait to join. But my baby wasn't anything like the books! He didn't want to cuddle very much, he hated his sling, and breast-feeding was hard. He had a tongue-tie and we breast fed for 8 months. By then, I had to go on RA meds just to function so breast-feeding was no longer an option. Now that he is older, he's much the same way and I see that he was born with that personality. Sure, we bonded in other ways and we still do. I was also much more hands off than I had pictured. With my job, I wasn't able to spend every precious moment with him. I was often working at night writing proposals. I didn't have time to dote, to helicopter, or to sanitize. I'm just trying to express that things didn't turn out how I imagined. I love Sparky, and I'm so proud of how he has grown up. He brushes his own teeth, puts on his own shoes, puts his laundry in his room, tries to wipe off the table, and "cooks" with us. He's really independent!

With the second one coming, I am much more at ease. I know that this one will be born with its own likes and dislikes, and that I don't need to overanalyze every little diaper. There's no one book that's going to "cure" my child's problems. Just listening to and observing him is the best I can do.

What This Reviewer Thinks

2011-06-27T13:53:00.002-04:00

I've been reviewing a lot of papers lately. I get sucked into reviewing because the request usually comes from a former adviser or because the paper is written by a close colleague. I like to think that I'm a pretty reasonable reviewer, usually suggesting revisions to improve style or clarity. If I get a paper I'd like to see in that journal, I always accept with minor or major revisions requested. In the course of reviewing this latest string of papers, some common problems have emerged.

One problem is that the new results are not compared with literature. It is difficult to gauge how the performance of X is so much better than prior work if no hard data (or citations) are given. This brings an exhausting amount of legwork to the reviewer, who has to go and look up references and do the comparison themselves. Sometimes, the performance of X is worse than the literature (but the authors neglect to point that out). Then, my perception is that the authors were trying to pull the wool over my eyes. With this in mind, I re-read a draft of mine for a paper I'd like to submit soon. I, too, was guilty!

A second problem is that key papers are not cited. If the submitted manuscript is incremental work on a previously published paper, then one should cite the publication. Again - I feel as if the wool is getting pulled over my eyes.

A third problem is qualitative vs. quantitative interpretation. Quantitative is always best, although there are many situations where qualitative is the only option. My particular criticism is when one has data that is easily interpreted quantitatively, but the authors merely give a qualitative interpretation. It reflects laziness to me. Yes, I know that integrating that peak will take you an extra 5 min on Matlab, but it's worth it - trust me.

Of course, these are just the recent tiffs I've had with reviewing. There is always variations on plagiarism of data, words, images, etc. Double publication. Lack of control experiments. This could go on, but I'm done with reviewing for a while (I hope).

Pregnant with #2!

2011-06-22T21:56:00.002-04:00

I am happy to announce that I am pregnant with our second child!! The due date is January 18th.

We had been trying for a while, and it had taken lots of planning. I got off of methotrexate and switched onto plaquenil six months before we planned on starting to try. (Methotrexate causes miscarriages and birth defects). I had a flare, but it was tamed with a few dose packs of steroids. During this time, I saw my rheumotologist often. Pain was always there, but ignorable.

I knew I was pregnant days before my "special lady time". I was at my sister's visiting her during her chemotherapy treatment. One morning, I woke up and felt no pain at all. I had forgotten what it felt like to feel normal. Even my husband noticed that my hands felt more pliable. With the last pregnancy the same phenomenon had happened - so I knew what was up. I immediately quit taking plaquenil, and the pain stayed at bay.

Even now, I feel pretty good (some nausea, a few stiff joints) and I'm comfortable with the timing of the pregnancy. I'll get my spring semester off, and relatives will be lined up to help with child care. Last time, I was completely unable to care for myself or others about 6 weeks after the baby was born, and I'm expecting a repeat. This time around, I know how to handle it and I know that it will get better.

My lab is mature enough for this. I just got two more grants, and everyone is off and running on their projects. Results are coming in, and they're generally good.

It's time for baby!

Who do you tell?

2011-05-27T15:37:00.002-04:00

I recently had a meeting with a dean that I admire. One of the things we talked about was my adjustment to the new university. We are in between department chairs and I'm anxious about my future. I told my prior chair about my RA, and he responded the right way: understanding, support, and empathy. I am concerned that our future chair might be biased. This is a valid concern considering the candidate pool here. I told the dean about my concerns, and I told her that my RA might generate bias from a new chair. She then gave me the advice not to tell anyone about my RA. She said that people here look for weaknesses in women, and this is an easy weakness for others to latch onto. I don't know how I feel about that advice. I don't shout it out to the world, but I can't hide it forever - especially if I'm trapped in a flare. I'll sit back and wait for a new chair...

Hawking Interview

2011-05-09T12:41:00.002-04:00

NY Times published an interview with Stephen Hawking today, and I found this Q/A to be very inspiring:

Q. Given all you’ve experienced, what words would you offer someone who has been diagnosed with a serious illness, perhaps A.L.S.?

A. My advice to other disabled people would be, concentrate on things your disability doesn’t prevent you doing well, and don’t regret the things it interferes with. Don’t be disabled in spirit, as well as physically.

Hawking has a point. I try to leave my regret behind. It doesn't come naturally, and I have to consciously set it aside. But, I take joy that I can still do my job and do it well.

Copy Cat

2011-04-26T15:16:00.002-04:00

I have been invited to write a review (yay!). I caught my post-doc plagiarizing for my review (boo!). The post-doc is helping me write the review, and he turned his half into me recently. It looked a bit disjointed at first glance. When I started to compare the post-doc's writing to the references cited, I noticed some startling similarities. He cut and paste the abstracts into the review, only bothering to change a few words. If I hadn't caught this now, it would have been published and my career would be over. Over. I'd be banned from publishing at certain places. I was so mad. (Why do I spend most of my work time being angry?)

So, the post-doc is awesome in the lab. I know he isn't making up his data because I'm really on top of what's going on in the lab. I look at raw data files, etc. and others can reproduce his work. I decided to be really stern, but not to kick him out. He brings a great attitude to the lab, has a great work ethic, and produces. We talked about the plagiarism, and he admitted it. I asked him if he did that with his grad adviser, to which he replied no. I think he got lazy, had a deadline, and took the path of least of persistence. I told him that I was going to scrutinize every single word he gave me in the future, and that he almost cost me my career. I can't tell if it sunk in. If it happens again, he's fired - and he knows it.

Ceilings

2011-04-20T15:10:00.002-04:00

The ceiling of my office here is much nicer than that of my old Ivy League office. Sometimes when "all this" is too much, I'll lay down on the floor of my office, listen to some music, and think about my nice neutral ceiling tiles. My current office has carpet and new ceiling tiles. My old Ivy League office had an unforgiving, institutional floor, over which I had to spread my yoga mat just to get comfortable enough to contemplate those water-stained ceiling tiles. The story is much the same. My students are pissing away grant dollars, not publishing, and not listening to my direction. Even if I go into the lab and show them how to do it, they can't even copy my actions. If I give them a paper, they can't reproduce the results. It takes two students to do one project, but grants generally fund one student. I'm not at a top ten place, and I don't get top ten students. It is what it is. Usual stuff, right? We've all got the same deal even if we're in a different department or discipline.

Today, I was sent over the edge by a student in my class. With all the stress of my lab, the last thing I want is my class weighing me down. This student told me that they would like to take the exam on some other day because they weren't ready for our exam tonight. Dumbfounded, I asked if they were serious. Oh yes, they were serious. The end of the story is that they agreed to take the exam tonight. But the whole interaction left me so bitter. I love teaching, but this ruins the experience for me. The bottom 5% of the class takes up 95% of my time. They are whining, complaining, and doing everything to weasel out of assignments and exams. They sure as hell aren't studying.

The rewarding days are so few and far between. I'll just lay down, and wait for the semester to end.

If Only Funding Could Heal These Wounds

2011-04-07T14:50:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I received the great news that I had won another grant from a hard-to-get source. With this new grant and my CAREER, I'm doing pretty well for tenure. Papers and moving students through the pipeline are the next thing on my mind. To celebrate we went out for BBQ - the kind you eat at a picnic table with butcher paper on top.

And today, I went to see my RA doctor. I always dread these appointments because they make me so depressed. This time I went to get an ultrasound done on my hands. The doctor spotted new bone erosions in my fingers and wrist. Translation: my disease is still progressing and has not slowed down.

How cruel it is to feel so great, to live without pain, but to still have this damned disease that marches on behind the scenes. The doctor says that I can feel fine, but that is no indication of how I'm actually doing with RA. Because I have the erosions so young, that sets me up for more later in life. I don't know what happens in the long run, but I just keep going as usual.

Failure is the Path of Least Persistance

2011-03-31T08:23:00.002-04:00

I just graded my class's second mid term, and I might have to get dentures because I've been grinding my teeth over it. I teach a core class that involves chemistry, physics, algebra, and easy calculus. We use a lot of tables to pick off data. I was extremely disappointed that 1/3 of my students were too lazy to interpolate data from a table, to use ideal gas law, or bother to get the right units. These are America's next generation and I would be horrified to have them working alongside my friend or working heavy machinery. Are we so lazy that we can't solve problems anymore?

March Madness

2011-03-25T14:44:00.002-04:00

I just spent four hours doing email!

In the last 15 days, I've been home for only 2. I jet off to another conference on Sunday.

The first conference I went to was an international, invitation-only conference where I gave a short talk. It was probably the best talk of my life, and it was so well-received! I'd never felt so excited about my group as I had at that time.

Following a less-than-24 hr stay at home, I spent a week with my sister as she recovered from her mastectomy and received news about her treatment. I loved spending time with her, and was very sad to leave. I plan to go again as soon as classes are over.

Then, I drove to another conference in a town nearby. It was my first time to attend this conference after receiving my CAREER award, and this time it was very different. People I knew only in passing were congratulating me or shaking my hand. I had *arrived*!

And finally, I came home to my two-year old, my husband, and my in-laws who had spent the last two weeks taking care of Sparky. Without this kind of help, I couldn't do the travel that I just did. By the end of this extravaganza, My joints were tired and achy, but it's OK because I know it'll be better another day. Ugh, is it summer yet?

Send Love

2011-03-14T14:30:00.001-04:00

Please send love and prayers to my sister, Dr. Mom, who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.

Faculty Participation

2011-03-05T08:49:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I taught, attended a faculty candidate seminar, participated in graduate recruiting (met with students, went to the lunch and dinner, attended the recruiting poster session), and said goodbye to my great postdoc. So... the point is that I did a lot, but it was mostly departmental "service" type stuff. In contrast, we've got some faculty members in my department that do NOTHING - and they make twice my salary.

I met with a graduate recruit who was sharp, mature, and quality. After my meeting, I escorted him to meet with one of these faculty members who does nothing. That faculty member wasn't there. He stood up the recruit. In fact, I can't think of a single time that this faculty member has showed up for anything. He has a reputation for standing up seminar speakers, so why in the world did we allow him to meet with recruits?

And he isn't the only one. We've got other members who don't participate in events, like recruiting. Graduate students won't sign up to work in your group if they've never met you, hello! These older non-participating faculty then complain that no one wants to work for them.

Back to the jilted recruit, I scrambled to find a warm faculty body who would talk to the recruit for a half hour. Having the problem solved, I just went back to my office and seethed.

To Honor and Obey

2011-02-17T21:56:00.002-05:00

Sadly, my post-doc is abruptly leaving my group. She has been with me over a year, moved with me from Ivy League U to Big State School, and persevered through a challenging project. She came to me yesterday for our weekly meeting, and told me that her husband set a deadline for her to leave her post-doc and move back to be with him. They are married, but living separately as they each tried to develop their careers. The husband just landed a job, dropped the deadline, and so my post-doc decided to obey and leave. There is nothing I can say or do because family is stronger than anything (to any sane person). My post-doc was clearly upset about leaving, she said that she really wanted to stay but she had no choice.

We set up a timeline for experiments until her departure. She can finish up two papers from elsewhere, and I've agreed to pay her an extra month to cover her time writing. I genuinely hope she can find the career she's always wanted.

Three Little Piggies Cheated

2011-02-11T17:36:00.003-05:00

I recently gave my first mid-term exam at the new Big State School University. I caught three students cheating. I already know how I am going to handle it, but I'm inviting comments on what others would do.

The test is in a core class, and I allowed open book, calculators, and notes from the class. Everything else was disallowed. This was mentioned on three separate occasions in class. This is in the syllabus. But even then, three students brought in homework sets and hid them in their notes during the exam. My TA and I discovered these three separate incidences while quietly patrolling the classroom from back to front. We caught the students right at the beginning of the exam, so no damage had been done. We told the each student, "Those materials are not allowed." Each students put the materials away and continued with the exam. Each student was pretty frustrated with me. (I feel no guilt over their frustration, since they were, um, cheating). The official policy is to give the students a zero, but I let the students continue on since I caught them at the beginning.

I've been grading and it's clear that these student will fail themselves out anyway. Catching them cheating just makes me sad, and it makes me embarrassed that I'm at the same school as them!

Can I call you Ms?

2011-02-07T20:18:00.004-05:00

I'm teaching a sophomore class of 50+ students. At first, they seemed baffled at how to address me. I was addressed as Professor X, Dr. X, Ms. X., and Dr. "First Initial". All of these are cool with me except calling me Ms. It drives me nuts! If the students can address male professors as Dr., then why not the same for female professors? An informal survey around my department indicated that no male professors were called "Mr" and that female professors were sometimes called "Ms".

So now we've identified the problem here: students call female professors "Ms" at my particular university. I've cleared the problem up mostly for my course by the following actions. First, I sign every email as "Dr. X". Second, in class, I refer to myself in the third person as "Dr. X". Third, I tell the students "My last name is hard to pronounce, so you can pronounce my name as 'Dr.X'". I cleared up the problem in about a week without calling out a student for their misguiding addressing. Unfortunately, this problem will come up every semester that I teach, so I've got to cringe through the "Ms".

Other than that, I'm happy with teaching. It's fun and rewarding!

End of Semester Frenzy

2010-12-21T13:15:00.002-05:00

Everyone goes crazy at the end of the semester. Now it's my turn.

My husband has strep, my son has an ear infection, and I've got a proposal due tomorrow. I'm running a mini-hospital at home, and all the exertion has caused my joints to flare up. It's a day like today where I just want to give up. But, I know I'll muscle through it, turn the grant in, the family will get well, and I can take a week or two off.

I don't have kleenex in my office to wipe away the tears, but I guess I could tear open a maxi pad - they're pretty absorbent.

Does a disabled person have a shortened career?

2010-12-13T10:02:00.003-05:00

Last week I heard a rumor about goings-on during my hiring at Big State U. The rumor goes like this:

I have a colleague at Big State U in my field, but not in my department. Let's call him Dr.M. When I was on the fence about switching universities last spring, I dined with him at a conference. He asked why I was wanting to move. I responded that I had a two-body problem and RA, so I needed to simplify my life.

Recently, I heard a rumor that during my hiring process Dr. M. had made inappropriate comments to members of my present department. He allegedly remarked that I shouldn't be hired because I have RA -therefore, my career would be shortened.

Upon hearing the rumor, I immediately sought out the head of the committee that hired me. The head told me that yes, Dr. M had told everyone that I had RA. But no, he did not remark on a shortened a career, nor did he say anything similarly inappropriate. The committee head went through all his emails and documents from Dr. M on the topic, and everything came out clean.

Dr. M is the same person who said inappropriate things you can read about here.

Rumors are rumors and can get out of hand. But in no way do I think my career would be shortened. To have twisted the rumor that direction, someone must have thought that way... I don't need to waste my time identifying the person. I just plug away and let my success speak for itself.

Welcome Back, Sort Of

2010-12-12T09:02:00.003-05:00

OK, I guess I'm back in some limited capacity. I'll post sometimes, just not a whole lot because my workload has exploded :)

@ the last person who commented - you sent me a website for a blog for someone with RA, but I accidentally deleted your comment! Please resend.

This semester has been full of proposal writing, travel, and setting up my lab from the move from Ivy League U to Big State School. I've never been happier. I wrote 8 proposals in 6 months, and got my NSF CAREER (unofficially). I gave a seminar at a top 10 school, and went to two conferences. I was elected to a leadership position in my area, and I was invited to write a review on my field in a respectable journal. I was invited by the founder of my field to give a talk at an invitation-only conference. I hired on another post-doc and two graduate students, bringing my lab up to 5 members. My lab was up and running within 4 months of the move.

I finally have the support network I've been needing. I'm living within 3 hours of my parents, 5 min of one cousin, and 90 min of my BFF cousin. My BFF labmate from graduate school also teaches at Big State School. There are many junior faculty to hang out with, and I can finally have a social life.

It's great here, and moving was one of the best decisions we ever made.

I'm a Big Kid

2010-11-17T21:55:00.000-05:00

Guess who just (unofficially) got their NSF CAREER? Me. Lalalala.

A Note From JP

2010-10-29T12:14:00.003-04:00

I still don't know if I'm permanently coming back. Something happened today that reminded me of why I used to blog, and I'll share it with you.

A graduate student in my program just developed RA, and her advisor brought her to my office. I had never met another scientist with RA. I hugged her and cried. She was a first year graduate student and was worried she couldn't finish her doctorate because of RA. "You can! You can!" I said. "Once you get treatment, you'll be back in the lab. A little slower, but you can do it!" She and I talked for an hour about symptoms, meds, lifestyle changes, and everything else. This is really why I'm a professor now. I want to encourage and facilitate other scientists with disabilities to go after their dreams.

I have never felt so passionate about any cause before - people with RA can pursue their dreams, we just do it differently. We can do science just as good as anyone else. Don't let it get you down, don't let it stop you. Take care of your body first, and then go after what you want.

Goodbye

2010-09-01T20:15:00.003-04:00

I've decided to quit blogging. I'm tired of getting mean comments and I don't need that kind of "support".

The original goal of this blog was to connect with other people with bad PhD advisers, so I could make it through my PhD. I grew up, got a job, had a kid, got an autoimmune disease, and moved pre-tenure. I'm re-organizing my life and it's pretty awesome right now. Which is why I'd rather quit blogging so that I don't have to read all the shit that people send me. If I need support, I'll count on my friends. Not anonymous commentators with bad attitudes.

Notes from a Conference

2010-08-26T13:34:00.003-04:00

I was at a conference this week (you were probably there!) and I'm packing up and heading home. This was the first conference for which I brought my entire group, all three of us. Grad student gave a poster that was very popular at the poster session. Post-doc gave a talk that seems well-received. And I gave two talks which went well, and I got some useful tips for re-analyzing the data.

It was tough to be away from my family, and my new home. Sparky would get on the phone and say, "I love you, mommy," which just makes me want to melt away in cuteness.

I talked with my old PhD adviser for about an hour, and got lots of great science-advice from her. I complained about my lack of funding and she said, "Don't worry you'll get a XXXX soon." (where XXXX is super prestigious grant). Shocked, I said, "That's not possible, how would you know? - it's way too soon to hear." But her eyes were twinkling. I hope what she said is true, because getting an award or grant - anything - will secure my future tenure case.

I also took my group to visit the lab where I did my PhD. I showed them all the equipment, and we talked with the new and old students. It was really helpful for my group because they have an example of how to set up my lab. Then, they can remember that my famous PhD adviser's lab did it a certain way, and it will give them confidence to do go forward and do it.

The conference wasn't earth-shattering, but it was really nice to see everybody and do a little shopping. I've got new lipstick, new earrings, and a new necklace.

Paranoid

2010-08-23T22:42:00.001-04:00

My Dad is in town.

He ends every story with: "And that's how they getcha!"

The hamburger shop puts extra salt on the hamburgers so that you've just got to go buy a soda. And that's how they getcha!

I'm lovin it.

Current Frustrations with Starting Over Again

2010-08-21T22:18:00.004-04:00

Starting over a lab pre-tenure is very frustrating at times. (But it's still worth it!) Having set up my lab once before, I have a clear picture of what I need and how long it's going to take to get it. Three weeks have passed, and somehow I imagined we'd be ramping up, unrealistically. Vacuum ovens generally take 4-6 weeks. Training on instrumentation (particularly microscopy) is weeks on a waiting list. We've ordered new equipment, which needs plumbing installed before we can even schedule an appointment to have it installed by the vendor. My students are coming into work everyday, but they aren't in the lab. (There's nothing to do until all these things are resolved!). We're pecking away at this slowly, and we'll get started up much faster than last time. Even then, I'm anxious to start cranking out data.

I'm particularly excited about picking up new students, which will infuse a new enthusiasm into my group. I'm planning on taking at least two, which would double my group size. New students will join in the next few months, and I'm counting the days. Wishing time would move faster. I think I need some Tim and Eric "Wait Mates."

Whose Group Meeting Is It?

2010-08-18T20:46:00.002-04:00

One of the benefits at new U. is that there are other Profs. in my little research field. We decided to hold a semi-weekly joint group meeting, and last week was quite an induction.

One of the Profs (Dr. Grumpy) was late to group meeting without warning, so after waiting ten minutes, we decided to proceed without him. He comes in five minutes afterward, and chews us out for starting without him. When I say "us", I mean the other Profs including myself. Dr. Grumpy bellowed, "Never start a Grumpy group meeting with out me! You should have called my cell at the very least." And then he went on about it for another 5 minutes. I was shocked. Was I at a Grumpy group meeting or was I at a joint group meeting? Was I an underling of Dr. Grumpy or a peer? The way he spoke to us was so belittling - and in front of my students! I couldn't believe he would belittle me in front of my own students! And I don't have his cell number, anyways.

He later apologized to my face about his behavior - but he never apologized to my students. I later told my students, "Dr. Grumpy apologizes to you about his awful behavior." (Even though he never apologized to them...) The students sighed and said, "Yeah, he was really scary." Will these joint meetings continue? I've decided that I'll give it one more shot, but if we have another case of disrespect, then I'm pulling my group out.

Transferring Equipment

2010-08-16T21:47:00.002-04:00

I've been bummed since the last post, but let's move on to transfer some equipment...

As an untenured faculty switching universities, moving with your equipment can be tricky. Nearly all of the major instrumentation in my lab was purchased with start-up money from old U., so technically the major instrumentation belongs to old U. - not to me! However, I did want some items transferred from old U. to new U. to give my lab a quick start. I started by getting a list of everything I ever bought. Anything that was tagged was carefully accounted for. If I wanted to move a tagged item, I had request in writing to the dean (yes, the same dean that I walked out on) that I wanted to move the item, why I wanted to move it, and it's original price. Rather than try to take everything with me and pick a fight, I chose to request only items that were essential to my lab. The items that stayed were heavily used by my collaborators' labs, so I think I'm doing them a favor by giving them free equipment.

Now just because you "requested" the item doesn't mean you get it, and it certainly doesn't mean that it's free! The dean kindly approved my entire list, but it doesn't end there. Each item's depreciated value was calculated, and an invoice was sent to new U. Using startup funds from new U., I then purchased my depreciated equipment from old U.

If equipment is untagged (like a hotplate) or low value (like beakers), then the lines are fuzzy. Talking with your department head can help figure out if it's OK to take it or not, and it varies from head to head and school to school.

If the equipment was purchased using grant money and the grant is still active, then transferring the equipment is possible. If the grant is inactive, then it appears that university can "own" the equipment (not entirely sure on this one).

I've heard horror stories from other faculty who have switched institutions. Administrators can try to seize grants and equipment, freeze salaries, and so on, so it's best not to burn bridges. The easiest place to tick off people seems to be on the issue of equipment.

So what happens to all the equipment that I left behind? It becomes property of the school, and then other faculty can get the equipment by writing a justification for why they need it and so on. The administration then doles out my equipment based on need (one would hope).

And a word to anyone moving - take your ovens!! It takes friggin forever to replace them.

My Eroding Hands

2010-08-12T13:57:00.002-04:00

I saw my new rheumatologist yesterday. He used ultrasound to look at my hands. There were erosions in my bones. I saw them myself, lighting up the screen. It looked like my finger bones with dental cavities - if you can picture that. I said to Dr., "But I feel fine, how can this be?" He said that RA can still be very active even if I have no pain. He said that I'm not in remission.

I was pretty bummed yesterday, but today I'm feeling better. I'm not sure what it all means. As long as I feel fine, I'll keep going on with my life.

Transferring Grants

2010-08-11T09:59:00.002-04:00

If you have grants awarded, and you're moving from one school to the next, then you may consider transferring your awards.

If you're just at the start of the funding period for an award, then transferring is not too much of a hassle. Paperwork is initiated by your old U to transfer the grant in question to the new U. The process is slow, so get started early. There is a potential snag where the transfer takes a while, and a student may not have funding during this gap. In that case, ask for emergency funding to cover the gap (and you can always pay it back when the grant is successfully transferred). The budget of the award may be recalculated according to the new indirect cost.

If you are towards the end of the funding period, then transferring may be more hassle than it is worth. One option is to "spend out" the account, but that could look inappropriate. In some cases, the grant is not transferable because of strings attached (or co-PI's). To maintain access to your grant money, you could set up a sub-award from old U to new U. Or, you could stay on as an adjunct at old U., and incur costs from the grant remotely.

If you have a student staying at old U, then you could either leave some grant money at old U. to fund the student until they graduate or you could transfer the grant and sub-award back to old U to fund that student. A general draw-back with sub-awards is that indirect costs are charged twice; once by new U, and once by old U.

If your student is transferring to new U., then it makes the most sense to transfer the grant to new U.

I found that the best way to explore options was to communicate with grants and contracts representatives at both universities via teleconference. It's a time consuming process. After you've thought about what you want to do, call your program manager and discuss your options. Is your grant transferable? Can you get that in writing? Can you add on a sub-award? Faculty moves are not uncommon, so program managers will know how to handle it.

The whole process is overwhelming at times, but doable. And as for me... my grant is not transferable, and I'm still trying to get a sub-award granted. Sigh.

How "Secretaries" Change Universities

2010-08-10T21:27:00.002-04:00

I guess I've settled in enough at home and work to reflect on the whole process of moving a lab across the country pre-tenure. Some of you have written in asking this and that, so let's get started.

My plan is to cover the following topics over the next few weeks:

1. Transferring grants from one school to another.
2. Transferring equipment (if you're allowed to!)
3. Arranging for students and postdocs to move with you
4. Managing the lab packing, moving, and unloading
5. And please write in your own questions

There are other ideas which I've covered in previous posts including how I told my bosses, how I told my group, and what it's like to be dead-woman-walking. What I write isn't necessarily advice, it's just a reflection on what I've learned in the last 4 months while moving from Ivy League U to new U (which is a large public university). And if anyone else is contemplating moving, please ask away...

I AM NOT A SECRETARY

2010-08-09T17:12:00.002-04:00

Every time I start out at a new place, I get mistaken for a secretary (or an undergrad, but I'm starting to get old...).

Today, some guy barges into my office (even though I had 1 cm of door ajar), and demanded to know where Professor So and So was. I calmly asked him to go ask the undergraduates that man the front desks, and the man still wouldn't leave! I had to escort him out of my office and point him to the front desk.

Do I look like a secretary? Oh wait... I forgot. I'm a woman. Therefore, I couldn't possible be a gen-u-wine professor. I must be a card-carrying-index-filing-coffee-making-bitch of a secretary who happens to write a lot of research proposals dangit.

Friggin Awesome

2010-08-07T17:08:00.002-04:00

I cannot express how awesome it is to be here - home! I've eaten all my favorite foods here, visited the relatives, and talked the talk. We've only been here a week, but already we have our new driver's licenses, our home is unpacked, and our lab's are as unpacked as they can get until our equipment orders get in.

I'm so excited that my son can do all the things I did growing up - if I described it, then you'd know where we are!!

Everyone at the new U is supportive, positive, and respectful. Just on first day, they all helped me with internet, phone, and ID card. It sounds simple, but it took me a bit longer at the ILU just to accomplish these little things.

I'm in a building that is entirely dedicated to my discipline! We don't have to share it with dumbass-mysoginistic-other-discipline like other places. We are in a department that will never get shut down or be combined with some other department.

For the first time in eight years, I feel like I can fully unpack and plant roots.

Home is Wherever I'm With You

2010-07-28T21:48:00.002-04:00

(Edward Sharpe and Magnetic Zeroes)

We're here! We've got our rent house opened up, and the moving truck comes tomorrow to unload our home. Our labs are already delivered, and we view them tomorrow as well. So exciting!

Notes from the Road

2010-07-25T10:25:00.002-04:00

We're on day 3 of the road trip to the new U. We're visiting my sister, Dr. Mom for a couple days before moving. We've got a car load of baby crap, board games, and expensive chemicals that the movers refused to pick up from the lab.

I caught Mr. JP spraying Febreeze on his pits because he couldn't find his deodorant.

The day that the movers were packing us up, I found out that a grant couldn't be transferred (!?). We're all over the place here. I've stopped being stressed over stuff because it could always get crazier!

Chaos Reigns

2010-07-23T12:40:00.002-04:00

The movers are here, packing up our house. We should get on the road tonight...

A Walking, Talking Lawsuit Waiting to Happen

2010-07-21T06:43:00.002-04:00

A contemporary of mine is at the conference and we've been spending time together because we don't know other attendees very well. Getting to know this contemporary is... let's say, frustrating. He tends to steer conversations towards topics that make me uncomfortable in a professional situation. Let's make a list, and think of how many times I'm trying to hit my head on the wall while he's espousing these ideas to complete strangers...

1. "Women faculty don't work as hard as women because they take too much time off for child caring. I know one female colleague and she works from home once a week. We all know that she isn't working, but taking care of her kid." [said to table full of women including myself]

2. "Catholicism is a tainted religion" [said to a table full of Catholics including myself]

3. "Asians are just ignored. We never think of them." [said to a famous Japanese professor while I was at the table]

This guy just makes me want to scream! He's a tenured professor at a large state school, too. I don't know what to do when I encounter someone so tragically bigoted. Correcting him only resulted in arguments. And I don't like to argue, so I just gave up. Sigh.

Another Conference...

2010-07-20T07:45:00.003-04:00

I'm at the 2nd conference. We move the day after I get back.

My talk was a big hit. I had disproved a Famous Scientist's work, and presented my results to an audience containing the big people in my field (including Famous Scientist). After the talk, FS told me he liked my work, and then he thanked me for citing him! The founder of my field also liked it, and spoke with me for ten minutes about what to investigate next.

So... this conference is at the most inconvenient time in my life, but I'm finally on the map within my field!

Last Day at DayCare

2010-07-16T08:40:00.003-04:00

Today is Sparky's last day at Day Care before the move. He knows that something is up, and he has been reacting to it. We tell him everyday that we're moving, and that soon we will have a new house and a new day care, and that we're going to have lots of family around this month. Still, he's moody and clingy. He's been desperately hanging on to an empty bottle of bubbles for two days now. Sparky is almost 2, and even little guys get upset about a move. Grandparents will be around for the move so Sparky will have some security there. I don't ever want to move cross-country again!

Parting Ways

2010-07-14T13:36:00.002-04:00

I've been saying my goodbyes quite a bit this week to colleagues. Most are happy for me, sad to see me leaving, but understanding.

Saying goodbye to graduate students is more difficult. In the past two weeks, four female PhD students have come into my office on separate occasions to say goodbye. All were crying or nearly crying. None are members of my group, and some I don't know well. I've always made a point to say hello to them, and maybe chat for a few minutes - but I didn't understand how much that meant to them until I've got them crying in my office. I feel like I'm letting down women at my Ivy League U, but I've got to go and take care of myself and my family. I'm sad that yet another woman (myself) is leaving this Ivy League U. It's very difficult to retain women here.... we could spend a long time talking about why, but not on a blog. Anyways, I think that female graduate students are suffering because of the lack of female leadership here. Nuf said.

The Lab Handbook

2010-07-13T08:58:00.003-04:00

A colleague of mine has developed a Lab Handbook to outline how to write papers, prepare presentations, make up graphs, etc. so that the group is all on common ground. Given that no one in my group is using spell check or citing papers for their manuscripts, I think it is appropriate to make up my own Lab Handbook. My intention is to outline the lab standards and to streamline communications between myself and lab members.

My Lab Handbook will have the following sections, but I'm looking for more. Please send suggestions.

1. How to Write a Manuscript or Thesis
2. How to Prepare and Give a Presentation
3. Standard Lab Practices for Preparing Our Samples
4. Your Suggestion Here

Spell-checking as a sign of intelligence

2010-07-12T10:16:00.000-04:00

For all of the papers, manuscripts, presentations that my student send me - all have blatant spelling errors in them (100% of them, not joking).

HOW HARD IS IT TO PRESS F7 AND RUN YOUR SPELLCHECKER, PEOPLE!!!

Have you thought about how it makes you look when you can't spell rudimentary words? I am so tired of wiping your ass!

How to Cite Thee

2010-07-10T18:05:00.002-04:00

How many references are appropriate for an article?

How many for a communication?

Or a proposal?

My post-doc sends me a very nice paper that will be submitted as a full article with 16 references (Gasp!). I'm frustrated because the low # of references implies that they have only read 16 papers in the last 6 months or so. And I'm frustrated because part of my editing process will involve looking up references to support our findings. Yes, I'm a PI and should look up all these references anyways, but really... a post-doc can only find 16 citations???

Anyways, my preferences are 40+ for an article, 15+ for a communication, and 50-100 for a proposal.

To Exist or Not

2010-07-09T12:58:00.002-04:00

My link on Ivy League University's webpage has been deleted... as if to say that I am dead and gone...

It's strange to me because I still come into work nearly everyday at ILU even though I am unemployed for this month.

When I saw that my link had been removed, I felt hurt - but why should I feel hurt when I was the one that walked away from the job?! It's like getting un-friended by someone on Facebook.

Is Cheating So Easy?

2010-07-08T09:01:00.002-04:00

NY Times has an article on undergraduates cheating in their courses. I guess I'm not "with it" because I had never heard of some of these websites that "help" students complete their assignments. Cramster and Course Hero were mentioned, so I went and checked it out. At Cramster, there was a place holder for the textbook I was using, but no solutions were available. At Course Hero, there were no solutions available to courses from my discipline. I imagine with time that these things will change.

Do you care if your students cheat on homeworks? I am ambivalent about HW cheating because it is such a small portion of the grade. However, if I caught cheating on HW, I would turn it in.

Do you care if your students cheat on tests? Here, I care very much. My exams are open book and open notes, so to cheat would require students communicating with one another during an exam. Not cool. There, I would turn it in, too.

I've only taught 13 students in the last two years, and none have cheated. My next course will likely have 70+ students, so I'll have to keep my eyes open.

And In Other Poop News

2010-07-07T09:57:00.002-04:00

Yesterday's incident reminds me of my lovely undergrad days at Big State U. There was a Poop Bandit who had a habit of pooping in people's trash cans (when they accidentally left their dorm room doors open) and of pooping on the floor next to the toilet in the unisex restroom.

Everyone thought (incorrectly) that it was me.

The front office put up a sign in the unisex restroom kindly asking that the Poop Bandit poop in the toilet and not on the floor. The Poop Bandit apparently didn't like this sign, because shortly thereafter, he or she wrote "NO" on the wall using their own poop. They were never identified, but their activities ceased afterward...

Aiming for the Toilet

2010-07-06T16:11:00.001-04:00

No, I'm not talking about #1 - I'm talking about #2.

I go into work today at my Ivy League School and find that someone has sprayed poo all over the bathroom stall. It looks like this Ivy League person stood on the toilet and then let it all loose. In a women's restroom. At a f&&ing Ivy Leagues school. Come on people! These are tomorrow's leaders...

1/2 Way Through The Madness

2010-07-04T13:35:00.002-04:00

We've got just two or three more weeks left here, and I'm scrambling to stay on top of things. I've got 1 of my 2 grants submitted, I've attended 1 of my 2 conferences, and I've got one manuscript floating around with the post-doc that isn't moving with us.

The conference last week sucked the life out of me, and I've spent every spare moment this weekend sleeping or vegging out - which isn't helping me work on that other grant...

As for 4th of July celebrations... we did manage to set off an a**load of fireworks in our backyard. Who cares about the neighbors complaining, because we're moving anyways!

On Envy

2010-07-01T13:48:00.002-04:00

I am quite honestly envious of some colleagues and friends my age who have gotten PECASE or other young investigator awards. I want to whine, "But when's it gonna be my turn!" Of course, I realize that you have to write proposals, submit, talk with PMs, etc in order to get awards. Happily, my friends who get these awards are humble and genuinely deserve the recognition. Yet it is so easy to compare my success (or lack of?) with their recent accomplishments. Faculty a year or two ahead of me tell me that "it will come." I'll keep hammering away at the proposal process.

(So rather than whine to them, I'll just whine on my blog.)

In the big picture, with funding rates so low, one may have to submit 10 proposals to get one award where a funding rate is 10%. That's purely based on statistics, not taking into account the quality of the proposal, but the point is that a lot of effort goes into getting a little bit of money. Some older faculty who enjoyed high funding rates in days of yore can be unsympathetic. And others fully understand because they, too, experience the same current funding rate.

I am now at a conference where many junior faculty that I admire talk about how they work all the time and don't sleep. I get lots of sleep and work at my own pace, but I'm scared that it isn't enough to keep up with them. If I could just get another grant, then maybe my whining would stop :)

The Moving Plans Are In

2010-06-29T23:52:00.002-04:00

Our move is all set (I think). Our labs and homes are going to be packed last week of July. We'll drive down, and arrive days before our start date of Aug. 1. It's going to be hectic and overwhelming, but both sets of parents are helping out.

The daycare is arranged, as is the rental house. Our current house is not yet sold, and that is the #1 frustration.

Grants are being transferred. New grants are being submitted through the new university. My graduate student is defending his thesis proposal next week so that he can pseudo-transfer (hard to explain, but we've got it worked out).

In 3 or 4 weeks, I'll be home.

We're Great Parents. Really.

2010-06-25T19:25:00.002-04:00

Is it bad that the clerk at the liquor store knows your kid really well?

Teaching Another Generation of Students

2010-06-24T11:22:00.002-04:00

I speculate here that students nowadays learn very differently from when I was a student ten years ago.

When I was an undergraduate, my expectation from an course was to sit in a classroom, to take notes from the blackboard, and maybe do a project or a demo (rarely) in class. The internet was established but still new, and the idea of getting homework solutions from a class website was not an entitlement - but a privilege. Growing up, my generation learned uni-directionally - from TV, books, newspaper, and teachers that lectured to us. There was not an opportunity to "comment" or "post" or to interact with our learning tools. Talking back to a teacher was unusual.

My first two years of teaching has been based on my experiences from ten years ago. I prepare notes, I present the notes, the students write them down. The notes are based on our textbook, and I do not stray from the textbook. Rarely, we have a demo from YouTube or a printout from a website. My current teaching model is uni-directional. Students do not speak up in class very much nor do the inquire. This is very much like how I learned, and ten years ago - this may have been satisfactory. But now it is not, and I must change how I teach.

Society now receives and processes information in an interactive pathway. We can now "comment" on news stories online, we can "Twitter" to CNN on how we feel about the story, and we are entitled to see our personal responses posted on a website. The generation of students I am now teaching appear to desire more interaction in the classroom, and this is where I have failed. Our brains are now wired to seek information, and to post our opinions.

I plan to change my teaching style for the next course. I want to improve and change the same way in which technology does. I don't want to be that old professor using 20-year old transparencies! There are a number of ways to add activities and interactions to a course that look promising. What I ask is what you like to do in your courses? What worked? What didn't work?

What My Teaching Evaluations Tell Me

2010-06-24T11:17:00.001-04:00

My teaching evaluations from Spring 2010 show scores lower than Spring 2009. My initial reaction was hurt, but then I read the comments from the students. "She followed the book too closely." "She did too many examples in class." "Her class was too easy."

What!? Keep in mind these are Ivy League students, I speculate here that they have different expectations for their classes than what I am used to. But then, I also think that the students learn differently now than 10 years ago (to be discussed in future post).

At the midterm, I asked students to write down how they would like to improve the class. The overwhelming majority requested more examples. So I gave them more examples. Now, I'm getting dinged for it on my evaluations!! I am at a loss here.

And the class was too easy? But on the 2nd and 3rd exam, the class average was low low low! So perplexed.

Conference what conference?

2010-06-21T12:14:00.002-04:00

This blog is going to degrade to SCREAMING and YELLING until the move.

We (my lab and I) are going to a conference on Sunday. I asked my student if he had made his poster yet. He said, "Oh - when is that conference?" I said, "This Sunday." And the look of panic on his face spreads. "Did you register?" I say. Yep, he registered.

Now I'm wondering if he registered for the right conference... WTF!!! How can you not know you're going to a conference?

Pulling Out My Hair!

2010-06-20T19:37:00.002-04:00

Eeeek. This month just won't end. I've got two dumb proposals, a manuscript, a prospectus, three articles to review, two conferences - and then... finally a move to Home State. How much Miller Lite does it take to grease the wheels here and make things go? Have given up on taming how I eat this month, and rediscovered vegan cake.

And will somebody buy our dumbass house already?

Please...send...booze...fruity girly booze. And no, my shirt stays on. Unless you buy my DUMBASS house!

Grant Writing + Moving = Idiocy

2010-06-18T15:05:00.004-04:00

I'm trying to write two proposals this summer - both are due during my moving week. So I'm trying to get them done now, but I have NO motivation. With the move coming up, I'm more focused on selling our house, securing daycare, finishing manuscripts, and assisting students than writing two boring grants. Because funding rates are low, I am feeling like time spent writing grants is futile. However, nothing ventured is nothing gained. I am forcing myself to go into work, forcing myself to write. It sux, but it's moving along.

Some ask me which university I'm applying through because I won't yet be an employee at new U. And the answer is that I'm applying through my new U because the budgets all have to be run through there. It's pretty common to submit grants at your future institution prior to starting your job. But it's also a pain in the ass because you're working with people that you've never met face to face.

Anyways... Friday Friday Friday!

Normal is Good

2010-06-15T20:36:00.002-04:00

Dr. says that blood work is normal and that the X-rays came back normal! My finger has something going on, but we'll have to wait and see. I'll get more X-rays in the next year to see what is up with the hands.

I'm breathing a sigh of relief, thanking God that I have at least another year of peace with my body until I go through the work up all over again. My mind just gets out of control when I think about this too much. Must concentrate on grants. I'd rather be rejected on a grant than get bad news from the Doc.

I'm Afraid of My Hands

2010-06-14T13:46:00.003-04:00

I see my rheumatologist tomorrow to get the X-rays, and I'm scared. I keep looking at my hands.

My left index finger is looking deformed, but maybe that's my imagination cuz I'm been staring at m'damn hands too much. I'm scared that he may tell me that the damage has begun, that I have to go on something scary like Enbrel, that I can't live my life. Yes, I'm overdramatic, but I'm so scared and just writing it out here so that my husband doesn't have to hear me for the umpteenth time.

But then - even if my finger looks deformed - it doesn't hurt, and I can bend it. So keep on the bright side, or at least try to.

Science Killed My Proposal

2010-06-11T13:11:00.002-04:00

I just got the reviews from my rejected proposal. Apparently, basing a proposal on a recently published article in Science is grounds for rejection!

This recent article shows interesting behavior for a material. I propose, "Hey, let's do something different to that material and make it even better."

The reviewer writes that the article in Science is all wrong, and systematically debunks the article. The reviewer concludes that since my proposal is based on that article, then my proposal should be all wrong, too. Sigh.

I can't resubmit for the next round because it based on a "wrong" Science article, which is far more frustrating. You would think that if something were published in a Big Name Journal, that it would have some credibility.

Focus on This

2010-06-09T07:58:00.002-04:00

A great article on distractions and our ability to focus on tasks is in the NY Times. This is a probably I am constantly battling.

To balance work, family, and my ridiculous commute, I must be highly efficient in how I use my time. Each task will be completed effectively and efficiently if I dedicate 100% of my attention to that task. But... emails filter in, and so do instant messages. And I feel the immediate need to answer all of them, which pulls me away from the task at hand. If I don't watch myself, a whole morning can go by and I won't be able to tell you what I did.

The article follows a technophile family. The family is so absorbed in their gadgets that they hardly talk to each other. It has infiltrated their ability to work, too. I realize this is an extreme case, but the story struck me because this behavior is familiar to me.

If I am to do this job from 8-5 (and a little more at night), then I must treat that time as sacred. Surfing the internet is just throwing away time that could be spent doing hobbies (cooking, gardening) or hanging out with the family. With moderate success, I check my email a few times a day (morning, lunch, afternoon, evening). I limit internet to news sites and literature search engines. I have specific goals for the day, and I complete them. It's rigid and boring, but I have time outside work to enjoy life.

Other faculty will work 14 hours a day, and I just can't fathom how they handle it. Surely they aren't really working during all of that time?! Perhaps they are actively working 9 hours, and being distracted for 5? In graduate school, I found that the people who worked all the time were also playing video games in the lab... Just a thought. I'll try to get off the internet now. It's a bit distracting.

3 Hrs in My Lovely Car

2010-06-08T19:55:00.001-04:00

There was a big wreck on the hwy on my way into work and on my way home. I spent 3 hrs in my car just to perform work that I could have easily done at home. Why do I bother coming in? I could have spent those 3 hrs playing Chronotrigger. Hmmph.

Behind Closed Doors

2010-06-04T07:41:00.002-04:00

The administrative asst. at my new university flubbed up and sent the faculty meeting notes to Mr. JP and I. We read notes on the faculty discussion on how our interviews went and whether they should hire us or not. It is surreal to read about myself in this way, especially since the outcome is know - we were hired. Mr. JP received generally positive comments. Comments on myself were generally positive, but some thought that I wasn't well-prepared. Sigh. OK, so maybe I wasn't well prepared, there's some truth to that. I didn't look up the shared facilities. I didn't have a list of faculty that I wanted to collaborate with. My talk was not rehearsed. I hope that you future faculty candidates will be better prepared than I!

Another separate time Mr. JP saw his personal file at his old university, and found that comments on his hiring process were accidentally left in the folder. The comments, now, are funny to read. "How will this guy get funding?" Answer: He later got 4 young investigator awards, isn't that enough? "His research area is boring." Answer: If we hired everyone who did 'popular' scientific research, then we'd have a bunch of faculty with no funding. And, his research is "boring" enough to get a job elsewhere after 5 years...

So I'll be better prepared. 5% of me is wondering if this is an internal bias against women because we are perceived as being harried as we balance work and family. Gasp! Because men don't have that problem, too. But I admit that for this interview, I could have been better prepared.

Juvenile Arthritis

2010-06-02T12:57:00.002-04:00

CNN has a nice segment on Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. The message is to keep moving to slow the damage!

I get the results from my annual X-rays soon. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Making Friends for Afar

2010-06-01T07:48:00.002-04:00

Because Mr. JP live 45 minutes away from our respective universities, it has been very difficult to cultivate friendships with colleagues. No one wants to drive 45+ minutes one way to come have dinner or watch a movie. And we don't want to drive that far either to hang out with them - especially because everything seems to conflict with Sparky's naptime. Needless to say, the last two years here have been a little lonely. No family is nearby, and our friendships with colleagues are not deep. (On top of that there are practically zero women in my School so I'm especially isolated). Moving away from all of this makes me realize that there are not very many people to say goodbye to. I wonder how we would manage life had we stayed.

At our new university, we'll be sickeningly close to our colleagues - maybe even living on the same street! I get to work with and live near my close friend from graduate school. The young faculty seem very sociable, and I thrive when I can hang out with people every weekend. The new U. has many women faculty my age. I am looking forward to making new friendships, and I can't wait to move!

Font Size, Spacing, and a 15 Page Proposal

2010-05-28T08:21:00.002-04:00

There are all sorts of permutations of formatting for an NSF proposal. I've tried many, and my favorite was Arial, 10 pt font, and 1.5 line spacing. The proposal looked great - but my program manager said it was too sparse and needed more words.

So now, I'm working on my CAREER adding 'words' to fill in the gaps. And now I find myself at 10.5 Times font with single spacing. Is that too small? 10 is the minimum font size, and I think that 10 is really tiny for people with reading glasses, etc.

So what is your favorite formatting for an NSF proposal?

Sigh

2010-05-25T20:26:00.003-04:00

Today...

I have pink eye, so I must miss work. Sparky has pink eye. Spend 90 minutes at Dr. and Walgreen's for pink eye.

Receive notification that my lab's second paper has been published online.

Eat leftovers for lunch.

Sparky goes to bed... his eye looks worse.

Work on CAREER.
Sparky wakes up and later Mr. JP finds him chewing on a pack of Bonine (motion sickness pills). Looks like he only ate a little...

Make bread.

Sparky's eyes are way worse, and now he is very very drowsy. Sparky won't eat dinner. Call poison control - they say he'll be fine.

Check email and see that another grant is rejected. Now I have nothing pending.

We have a house showing at Sparky's bedtime so we pack up a very drowsy, loopy child and take him to Office Depot. Home again, Sparky goes to bed, and we poke at him every 30 min. He fusses (which is good).

Now I have time to think about how much I hate rejection... so demoralizing. I enjoy the job, but the rejection makes me dislike basic science at times. It was my second time around on this one, and I thought I had addressed everything. One reviewer had even sought me out at a conference to tell me how awesome that proposal was. I really thought I was going to get it. Should I wallow in a fresh game of Chronotrigger, make vegan pies, or dive into my work to get rid of all this frustration? Rats.

Sparky Sez

2010-05-24T10:54:00.001-04:00

"Ah-wuf-oo".

Awwwwwww. Now that makes me want to have another...

Top 10 Standards

2010-05-21T09:33:00.002-04:00

Some of my old classmates from graduate school have set incredibly (unrealistic?) high standards for their long term careers.

One peer went on the market in 2007, and only got interest from schools ranked 10-25. He was a graduate student at the time, and so decided to pursue a post-doc to increase his chances of being at a top 10 school. He has very vocally said he would accept nothing less. He is currently in his 3rd year as a post-doc, and the faculty market has now dried up.

Another peer has been lingering at a National Lab/Research Center, waiting for the number 1 school to call. His work is outstanding, as is his character, but he's been waiting for years... He, too, is vocal that he will accept nothing less.

These exceptionally high standards have left my two peers in alternative situations where they are in never-ending post-docs or well-regarded positions at governmental institutions. I get the impression that they think my institutions (future and current) aren't good enough. And maybe they would look down on me? But I'm currently living my goal, and not in limbo. Unlike a jilted bride to a top 10 school.

More Gray Hairs

2010-05-19T07:51:00.002-04:00

The bathrooms at the NSF have some weird lighting that make all my gray hairs illuminate like light bulbs. I was sitting on a panel, went to the bathroom, and saw a fresh crop of gray gnarly worms growing out of my head. I plucked them out, and moved on. Maybe that bad lighting is causing all my proposals to get rejected.

Goodbye, Spring Semester

2010-05-17T07:45:00.002-04:00

The final grades are turned in, and I suddenly have so much more time (to work). I'll be spending the summer writing proposals, getting preliminary data in the lab, arranging the move, and moving.

This last semester has been a big one with lots of changes. I survived the proposed elimination of my department. Mr. JP and I secured positions elsewhere at an ideal place. I got a paper published and another one accepted. Lots of rejected grants :( I taught another class successfully. I wish I had written more proposals, but the proposed doom of my department had frozen any productivity out of me. This semester has been good considering the final outcome.

Goodbye, spring!

Email My Husband If You Want To Reach Me

2010-05-13T07:32:00.002-04:00

Mr. JP and I are excited about moving to our new university, where we will be in the same department together. A weird side-effect of being a married couple in the same department is this whole email thing. An administrator will email my husband only with critical information, addressing the email to both of us. My husband doesn't regularly check if I'm on the recipient list, so this information doesn't reach me until something annoying happens. The same is true the other way around where I'll be emailed with information and my husband's name has been "forgotten".

I'm sure this is a genuine oversight, but it is still frustrating. We're married as "one" person on a spiritual level. On a professional level, we are two persons and have two separate email addresses!

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-10T10:14:00.003-04:00

I was so sick that my Mother's Day went by in a daze. Mr. JP was at commencement, so Sparky and I were alone at home most of the day.

I remember Sparky whining all day over something. Sleeping in front of Sid the Science Kid. Trying to put weed killer in the front yard and getting to tired to finish. Damn dandelions. And then giving up on the day all together and just playing Super Mario on the Wii. Mr. JP got me some awesome cards, and the night before took me out for vegan food. Yummy. Just wish I felt better.

Ebb and Flow

2010-05-07T09:44:00.002-04:00

My graduate student's future is secure. He can move to the new U. and get a PhD from the old prestigious U. We've figured out funding, visas, and thesis committees. So I can breathe a sigh of relief...

But, now my awesome post-doc tells me that he cannot move to new U. His wife doesn't want to move to the new U area. She wants to remain near the big metropolitan area near old U so that she can pursue her fine arts studies. He is heartbroken because he wants to make the move, he loves the new U area, and has many friends there. But his duty is to his wife. Further complicating the issue is that they are international, so if they cannot find a job soon then they must leave the U.S. and the wife cannot pursue her fine arts studies here. I empathize because I know too well how two-body problems can work. I will try to find a position for him with colleagues, but funding is so tight here. I hope it can work out for them.

Sparky's First Sentence Was...

2010-05-05T07:58:00.001-04:00

"I poo!"

On Time Management

2010-05-03T21:45:00.002-04:00

I am a bit of a time management nerd. I used to wear a digital timer on my belt so that I could time every minute of my work day from coffee breaks to manuscript writing. But lately, I've been in a funk. I've been surfing the internet (gasp!) and overmultitasking to where nothing sticks in my brain.

I recently attended an NSF workshop for junior faculty that reset my clock and I think I'm back on track. The most effective piece of advice I heard was concerning email. Checking email consumes time, and it takes X minutes to get back on task after checking the email. If you check your email 20 times a day (yes, you really do), then you waste 20X minutes getting back on task. A solution is to check your email only 3 times a day at prescribed times. I tried this for a week, and the change was immediate. Instead of checking my email (all the f**king time), I forced myself to focus on other pieces of work. For the first time in ages, I was able to leave work satisfied with my day's accomplishments. Let's keep it up.

So I think that *wasting* a day attending a workshop may have ultimately saved me 20X minutes per day...

Department of Defense and You

2010-04-29T20:44:00.005-04:00

NSF funding isn't enough to maintain a group. While some focus on NIH, in my field, going to DoD (army, navy, air force) is the way. All three branches of DoD have young investigator programs (YIPs). To be eligible, you have to be a U.S. citizen, and you must be no more than 5 years out from your PhD. These requirements whittle down the playing field, so your chances of being funded - if you're eligible - are seemingly high. (Although the last ONR YIP funding rate was < 10%, sigh).

The problem is with getting your foot in the door. For NSF, you can submit an idea - your idea with whatever application you like. But for DoD, you need to bounce ideas off of the program manager to find what fits into their program. If you've got a great idea but it doesn't fit in with the goals of DoD, then it won't get funded. So in other words, communicating with a program director prior to submission is critical.

Now for the YIP. I am exceedingly frustrated with the way program managers in DoD uniformly ignore young investigators - even those inquiring about YIP. You can call, email, send in unsolicited white papers, and there is a brick wall of silence. It's not just me. Mr. JP has the brick wall. Colleagues get the brick wall. So then, I ask, who is getting these YIPs? I talked with one colleague who is a star, and he gets the brick wall from other military branches. With this particular YIP that he got, someone actually wrote back. Other advice is to arrange appointments with the PMs when you are in DC. That's a great idea, and I would love for that to happen. But my emails and calls saying, "Hey, I'm in your neck of the woods, let's talk," get ignored.

So you know what? I'm submitting my YIP anyways, with or without your input. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Just Be Meaner?

2010-04-29T13:16:00.002-04:00

Big Famous Dude (my old post-doc adviser) had a chance to meet my lab members yesterday. He gave them helpful advice, some of which I had previously given to them, on their projects. My students later told me, "Oh, Big Famous Dude is smart and confident! He told me to do X, Y, and Z, and I'm going to go try them." But, but, but the little voice in my head says, "I asked you to do that two months ago, and you never did."

I find this is a recurring situation. I give my students advice on their projects, they choose to ignore it, and then when someone else (male and/or famous) gives them the same advice, the students go try it as if it were new information. My students don't believe in my abilities as a scientist...

Today, I met another Famous Visiting Professor and mentioned to him how my students reacted to Big Famous Dude. Famous Visiting Professor said, "It's because you're female." He said that his female colleagues all had the same problem, and then he listed off the name of some of the female colleagues - all of whom were respected successful professors and scientists. So if it isn't me, then it's just my gender? Famous Visiting Professor advised me that the these women had taken the strategy of lowering their voice during discussions and being mean. Interesting approach. Must gather data.

But Where Does the Money Come From?

2010-04-27T12:37:00.002-04:00

In a perfect world, I could give 100% guarantee to the second-year PhD student that he could move with me to the new U, and get his PhD from the old prestigious U. I understand his reasons for wanting his PhD from the institution that is more desirable abroad - I would be pushing for the same thing if I were in his place.

As an adviser I hesitate to guarantee this path because of money. I am unable to fund him until the end of his PhD using start up funds from new U. This is because new U. doesn't want to pay old U. tuition for a PhD candidate that goes to old U. - I get that. So student can be successfully funded via my NSF grant until he has put in 3.5 years toward his PhD. After that... his tuition and stipend must come from somewhere, and that where it gets messy. I worry that if I don't get another grant in the next year, then I will not be able to support my PhD candidate in his final year. New U. won't pay for him, so we'd have to go begging to old U. for emergency funding (even though I am no longer faculty there!).

So in other words, everything is peachy for the next year... and then money becomes an issue. The last thing I want to do is tell a student they have to leave with a Masters because of money. I'd like to think that all my grant writing will pay off soon, and then we can all get what we want. If the student transfers to new U., then I can fund him all the way through his PhD using new U.'s start-up funds.

It's all very confusing and neither university is entirely helpful about it. I have written so many emails and phoned so many folks that they are tired of hearing from me, and no answers have resulted. They all say, "Don't worry, you'll get a grant and it will be fine."

Why do I Bend Over Backwards?

2010-04-23T12:09:00.002-04:00

My second year student is continually giving me trouble. Some of this stems from me being a newbie adviser, but most of it comes from this student being inflexible. I understand that this move effects his life - where he lives, who he meets, where he may get a job later. Hmm let me explain a bit.

His desire is to obtain a PhD from prestigious old U., and to move to the new U. with me. He absolutely refuses to transfer to the new U. He is an international student, and his intention is to go back to his country and work in industry. He maintains that a degree from the internationally recognized old U. is more important than a degree from the new U. (even though new U. is much more highly ranked in my discipline). For all this to happen, he must complete his candidacy exam and register in absentia every semester. The tricky part is funding. My NSF funding for him will run out in his 4th year, and I cannot use start up funds from new U. to pay off my student from old U. I must use external funding. I must obtain a grant for his project (or some related project) in the next year to maintain his funding through his PhD. If I don't... then it gets messy.

Anyways, the student is freaking out because his project isn't working. He reasons that if his project isn't working, then he won't pass his candidacy exam, and we won't secure external funding. I tried to explain to him that this isn't really how academics works, and that he would be just fine. He didn't believe me. I'm tired of babying him and comforting him. Just suck it up already and be professional!

On top of this, he is a So-So student. I often have to ask him to do things twice. He still doesn't take notes during our meetings. His redeeming quality (or fault?) is that he is a perfectionist, so his data is robust and I have confidence in it. So why am I bending over backwards for this student?? Simply put: my doppleganger. If I leave my student behind, my doppleganger will take the student into his lab, scoop the project, and take my research ideas. I know that sounds paranoid, but this doppleganger has tried to do this to others (I finally have evidence). Is it all worth it?

2nd Year Students Are Hard to Move

2010-04-21T11:16:00.002-04:00

Suppose that you are a graduate student and your adviser tells you, "Guess what! We are moving the lab to more awesome university. Let's go!" What do you do? The possibilities may be broken up by how far along you are within the graduate program.

1st year student. Either you (1) find a new adviser at the old U. or (2) you transfer to the new U.

2nd year student. You may still switch advisers at the old U. You could transfer to the new U and obtain a PhD from the new U. However, there is a slim possibility you could move to new U. but get PhD from old U.

3rd year student. Switching advisers at the old U seems difficult now because you are so entrenched in your thesis work. By now, you've passed your candidacy exam/prospectus, so your options are more open. You could transfer to the new U and obtain a PhD from the new U. Now, there is a stronger possibility you could move to new U. but get PhD from old U, if that's what you wanted.

4th year student. You're likely stay in the same research group, but you may be able to finish all your research at old U. and obtain a PhD from old U., while being advised from afar. Or you could move to the new U. and finish up there, obtaining a PhD from either old or new U.

5+ year student. It is likely that you would stay behind at old U. since you don't have much time left and a move would just set you back. The likelihood of transferring to new U. is low because you may not have enough credits "in-state" from new U. In all likelihood, PhD will come from old U.

I've got a 2nd year and 1st year student. The 1st year decided to switch groups, and we are amicably parting. My 2nd year student is trying the most difficult route. He wants to get the PhD from old U, but work at new U. Because he isn't far along, there all these issues with funding, candidacy exam, health insurance, tuition. UGGGGH. Next post will cover that. Just transfer to new U. already!

Wish You Were Here

2010-04-20T10:26:00.002-04:00

Last weekend we visited our future university to kick start lab renovations and to look for a rent house. We brought along some of our students so that they could get all jazzed up about the move. Sparky stayed back with in-laws.

The trip was awesome. My lab needs nearly nothing renovated. We found a rent house. My students got super excited after they saw all the facilities and the building we are to call our new home. It's a huge step up. It was great to be back in my Home State - the wildflowers were blooming, the air smelled familiar. I was so happy, and all the swelling in my fingers disappeared!

During the visit my post-doc and student met with the business officer and student coordinator to figure out the transfer. For post-docs, its a piece of cake. But my student is causing such a head ache because he refuses to transfer his academic status. He very much wants to get his PhD from Prestigious U, even though it is ranked much much lower than the new university. It deserves a whole post in itself...

Anyways, location makes all the difference, and I can't wait for the move!

Proven Wrong

2010-04-15T08:33:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was one of those days where I question why I'm even pursuing a career in academia. Mr. JP says that everyone has those days, and he reminded me that it is just a job and we work to earn money to support our family. But still... it would be just so much easier to work in industry, be a mystery novelist, vegan baker, or just anything else.

During a weekly meeting with my graduate student, he disproved his entire last year of work (and possibly our lab's one and only publication?). I was impressed that a second year student had so conclusively debunked his own work, but I was also alarmed that we had 'lost' a year - or maybe an entire project. The student was in panic attack mode because his prospectus is this summer, and he has just debunked his entire project. I said with genuine enthusiasm, "That's great! Now you can present in your prospectus the story of how you found the error, and how you will fix it!" He did not share the enthusiasm. We then devised a new plan of attack for the project, and he calmed down a bit.

Then he says, "And I have other bad news. Our Very Expensive Instrument is broken." Arrrrrrgh!

As I drove home yesterday on my very very long commute, I sorted through the details of the day and felt defeated. 30 min into the commute, I realized, "Why am I doing this? I could do anything else with my life - anything." By the end of the commute I was determined that my best career path would be administration, because I like interacting with people and being involved with how universities work. So the moral of the story is that an excessively long commute engenders crazy thoughts and delusions. Mr. JP says that if my commute were only 20 min, I would never get to the career-crisis thoughts.

Oh, and my CAREER proposal was officially rejected yesterday.

Ironing Out Details with the Dean and Provost

2010-04-13T07:55:00.003-04:00

My departure from Prestigious U. requires that I submit a letter of resignation. In addition, I am professionally obligated to discuss my departure with my Dean (even if the Dean is rumored to be stubbornly immovable on some aspects). In my last meeting with the Dean, I had walked out crying, saying that the plans to eliminate my department were "unacceptable." I was not looking forward to meeting the Dean presently to discuss my plans to leave P.U. Considering my mistrust for the Dean, I asked my Chair to come along to the meeting.

To my surprise, the meeting went smoothly and was everything I wanted. I negotiated for my post-docs and student's continuous financial support up until their start date at our next University. We will even maintain reasonable access to lab start-up funds so that research activities could continue up until the move. As for me, my contract ends in June so there is a lost month were I am unemployed (the Provost at P.U. is helping me with this). I'll have reasonable opportunity to take equipment with me, provided that it isn't useful to other faculty at P.U. All equipment was purchased using my set-up funds, so technically my lab belongs to P.U. The Dean was friendly, and agreed with the plans to make this transition smooth and seamless.

Another faculty member who recently left P.U. recommended that I also speak with the Provost to confirm plans for the transition. In case the Dean pulled any funny business, the Provost could iron things out. I don't anticipate funny business, but I want to protect my lab and my lab members. The Provost was immensely understanding, and agreed to all of the points on the transition. The Provost recommended that I become a Research Scientist for my lost month in July so that I can maintain access to health insurance and whatnot.

Overall, both meetings were - dare I say - pleasant? It was not what I expected. However, my departure is mostly because of health, family, and two-body problems; not because of dissatisfaction with P.U. Any humane human could empathize.