Thursday, February 17, 2011

To Honor and Obey

Sadly, my post-doc is abruptly leaving my group. She has been with me over a year, moved with me from Ivy League U to Big State School, and persevered through a challenging project. She came to me yesterday for our weekly meeting, and told me that her husband set a deadline for her to leave her post-doc and move back to be with him. They are married, but living separately as they each tried to develop their careers. The husband just landed a job, dropped the deadline, and so my post-doc decided to obey and leave. There is nothing I can say or do because family is stronger than anything (to any sane person). My post-doc was clearly upset about leaving, she said that she really wanted to stay but she had no choice.

We set up a timeline for experiments until her departure. She can finish up two papers from elsewhere, and I've agreed to pay her an extra month to cover her time writing. I genuinely hope she can find the career she's always wanted.

8 comments:

ml said...

uummm. hope the postdoc doesn't regret this decision in a few years if her husband's job doesn't work out.

Anonymous said...

....or the marriage doesn't work out. On the whole, deciding to be with her family seems pretty sensible, but I have never found ultimatums like that to work in my marriage. Like "If you don't move back here by 03/15/11 I'm moving in with my new, blonde, 38/28/42 secretary".

PUI prof said...

We have the two body problem. Can I confess to being tempted to lay down an ultimatum for my husband? I'm in the TT and he isn't, and we have kids that saty with me.

I don't dare, however. We are still using the math in which two half- "happies" is greater than one whole "happy".

GMP said...

This post made me cringe too. Are they from a culture that embraces very traditional values? Because I would not respond well to this type of demand "you will move back in with me by then, or else..." Or else what? He'd divorce her? It doesn't look like there's much mutual support going on there.

Janus Professor said...

Yes, she's from a different culture with very different values. I agree that it's a bad sign for the marriage, but it's none of my business to say so. It's a culture I don't understand, so interfering could be bad.

B said...

Wow that seems incredibly difficult for all involved. It is nice to hear that you are being as supportive as possible even though she is leaving your lab.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps to use the word ultimatum is strong. I have been in a similar situation, and have said to my husband things like, "Enough, no more long-distance marriage!" or "I am doing this one more year, and that's it." Is this setting a deadline? I guess, but sooner or later you have to get your family back together. Relevant to GMP's comment, of course the "or else" is not "or else I will leave you." The statement is more that "wake up, we need to acknowledge that the current situation is not working." Sometimes, if strong statements are not made, inertia keeps you in an uncomfortable situation.

I do think it is wise for them to get back together before kids are in the picture (assuming this couple wants kids). Like PUI Prof, I have been raising my kids on my own as a result of this kind of situation, and it is not fun. It has been horrible in many ways, and I would not wish this on any woman in science (or anyone). It has made me want to Leave Science more than once.

It is easy to judge and say that this type of marriage may be headed for problems, but then what choice are we giving women in this situation? Stay apart from your husband and develop your own independent careers, and your lives will be just that -- independent. I have done things this way and it is incredibly hard. Or, make this kind of a choice, and have people question why you are meekly following your husband around like a good wifey. It really is not that black and white.

And JP, I think your response to it, especially realizes that there may be some cultural issues at work as well, has been great. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Depressing. One reason I dread getting a postdoc (it's not really mandatory in my situation) is being quasi-responsible for that person's career development, and since I'm unlikely to get a "fancy" postdoc I'm going to be really nervous...