It's Never Really Over

Just when I feel like I've got my health under some sort of control or equilibrium, I am reminded that it is not. I went to the rheumatologist for my annual ultrasound on my hands and wrists. At the appointment, he found new erosions and defects. Even though my pain is minimal, the damage is still progressing. I go back in 6 months to get the damage gauged again, and we can figure out what to medications to change.

He also told me that my last blood tests were abnormal. My white blood cell count was low. I took the test again, and it was still low. That would probably explain why I spend most of my weekends in bed lately. I take my weekly meds on Sat. and Sun. and am consumed with overwhelming fatigue. I am confident that there is some other pill or injection that is going to fix it all once we figure out the source of this.

And all this is going on while my lab is taking off. More publications are coming out, more money coming in. I work as hard as I can on the days that I feel good, and it is really paying off. I love my job and I do it as best I can, which seems to be good enough :) I'll submit my tenure package next year, and I am not so nervous about it, since the bar is pretty clear at my university. I feel compelled to give this my all because I don't want RA to beat me. I want to be an example to others that chronic disease is something to work around and work with - it is not a death sentence.

What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid

I am reading "Lean In" by Sheryl Sandberg. It's the type of book that is inspiring and sickening at the same time. I am inspired because I see that I am not speaking out and acting on my goals. I am sickened because I identify with so many of the stories that she tells.

The first chapter asks, "What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid?" Anyone who knows me might remark that I don't seem to be afraid of things. But I am. And I can think of several times where I have turned down opportunities that I shouldn't have out of fear of disrupting my marriage or work-life balance.

If I weren't afraid, I would:

1. Position myself to be an Editor of a well-resepected journal. Maybe this would start with getting on an Editorial Board.

2. Take up a bigger leadership roll in my professional organization. As of yet, I've only done small time bits. When I was given the opportunity to move up the food chain, I declined. Why did I do that??

3. Ask my husband to do more around the house. He thinks he does a lot, but he could do more. Even his own mother has remarked to me as much!

4. Go on a vacation with our without kids. I never take vacations because I always have some deadline. If this is the new norm, then I should probably just accept it and drink a pina colada on a beach.

5. Speak out for how poorly women are treated at my university. This includes students and faculty. I don't have tenure yet, so, yeah. This one will probably have to wait.

I can think of several other things, but they perhaps fall under the category of "If I had more time" rather than "If I weren't afraid." Time is whole other thing.

The Value of Exercise

My arm hurt so much I wanted to chop it off the way you might butcher a chicken. I cried at the thought of just existing with the endless pain. I was mad with myself because the pain I was experiencing was nothing compared to the disabling pain I had in 2010, and I wasn't handling this current episode very well. My rheumy wasn't much help, but there is no other rheumy in town (!) to consult.

My usual go to - a steroid dose pack -didn't work, so I was getting alarmed. I bought all kinds of vitamins and religiously took them. And, I started exercising again, and, finally, I felt relief.  The first few days of exercise, the pain actually got worse, but I stuck with it. I still have pain, but it isn't constant and it isn't excrutiating. It's Tylenol level.

My neighbor turned me onto TurboFire work outs. They are high intensity, but I just do what I can. They are super fun, and not too long. I'm very happy with it!

I find it so counterintuitive that exercise makes the pain go away. Arthritis Today magazine says it is so, but it is still amazing to me that I can do something so low tech to fell better.

One Armed Bandit

My shoulder is f***ing killing me. Ok, it's always been killing me, but I'm just tired of always having one arm that simply doesn't work. I can't even hold my purse with that arm! I am so frustrated because with my eyes I see that I have two arms, but in reality only one of them is useful. I am sick of it! Exercise helps but not enough. I guess it's time for a ton of steroids. Sigh.

My legs are fine. My hands and feet are fine. My rheumy says that it isn't symmetric so they aren't concerned. F** them. I am at 75% capacity. I am concerned!

Too Much Cancer

Many of you may remember that my sister, Dr. Mom, successfully battled breast cancer two years ago. It was strange that two of her labmates also battled cancer. Imagine - three people in their 30's, all former labmates, coming down with cancer at nearly the same time. Doesn't this stink of environmental cues?

And then, within the course of a week, I found out that my own labmate has cancer as does my classmate. My labmate and I worked in the same room, around the same chemicals and what not. My classmate worked on the same floor. It just makes me wonder if we really know and understand the risks of the materials we are working with. I also question if my RA arose from environmental stimuli. It is an autoimmune disease, after all. I suppose I will never know.

It is awful that young people - brilliant scientists - have to suffer through cancer. I hope that they will recover like my sister did. I hope that they can continue their careers and their lives, and live it to the fullest.

Adjudication: Rejected and Accepted

The result from the adjudication was that the manuscript was rejected. But on the bright side, the editor recommended automatic acceptance in a lower-ranked (but still nice IF) journal. So I was rejected and accepted and everyone is happy.

Faculty Events on Religious Holidays and Childcare

Mr. JP and I have to attend a mandatory faculty event on Good Friday. The event is very long (+9 hr). Day care is closed so we have the following options:

1. Find a baby sitter to watch the kids all day.

2. Bring our kids to the event.

3. Skip the event.

I want to do option 1, but 9 hours of babysitting will run me upwards of $150, which really pisses me off because why the hell should I pay $150 so that I can attend a mandatory faculty event that is going to bore me to tears?

Option 2, would be a big f*** you to the department, because my 1 yo will be insanely whiney and my 4 yo will talk about his butt non-stop. However, I don't want to deal with chasing after boys all day.

Option 3, could paint the false picture that I don't care about my job or that I don't care about the department. I don't have tenure, so this option is probably not a good choice.

This leaves us with option 1. Someone has to dish out $150 for babysitting - but who will pay? As I see it $150 is worth about 7.5 boxes of wine, so I really would rather have wine than babysitting. I asked my dept head if he would foot the bill. He wrote that he didn't know how to justify it, but he would pay. Thank goodness.

Now - if only this weren't on a religious holiday...